miscellaneous

Sadness

I know that I am known to be a cry-baby, ready to brake into tears quite early, taking things personal and to heart (even though I often probably should not).

I was supposed to spend my semester abroad with two friends. One of them turned out to be a friend (M*). The other one not so much (B*). The B* tried giving me a hard time while being abroad right from our start in Copenhagen. And I still do not know for sure why. I can only guess that the reason is a mixture between her own insecureness, and the hope of making sure that she was not being left out aka “being the third wheel”. In order to prevent that she rather tried to push me aside, at least that is what it seemed like. At first I thought I am maybe imagining things, that I am again taking things too personal, or that I am too critical about certain situations. But M* often confirmed my suspicions.

It started with little things. B* picked M* and me up from the main station after we had spend a week in Germany due to exams (B* was luckily done with hers before she came to Copenhagen). On the way back to my place the conversation was not held between the three of us, but rather only between M* and B* (“I am so happy that you are back M*”, “You will not believe what happened to me yesterday M*, “I got so much to tell you M*). At first I thought I was being jealous which on the other hand was rather absurd. But when we arrived at my place and started bringing all of our stuff up to the 4th floor, M* and I had to carry up my suitcase together while B* already waited inside my room, and M* confirmed my suspicions by apologizing for B*’s behaviour. So I know that it was not just me who felt uncomfortable. After we made it all the way to the 4th floor and I started unpacking, B* pulled a form out of her bag and handed it to M* with the words: “Here M*, I already got registered at that one office while the two of you were gone, and I brought you the form so that you can fill it out beforehand”. M* just looked at me and then at B* and asked her if she had also brought a form for me, as she knows that I also have to get registered. I definitely did not take the “Ooops, I totally forgot that you need one as well” as an honest answer.

Those “incidents” continued and even though we still did quite a few things together in the first few weeks, we spend considerably less time together over the weeks as we all would have thought. Not that I do complain. I liked both M* and B*, but I was able to get along in the US when I was only 16, and I knew I would be able to handle life in a European city in my twenties. I came to Copenhagen to meet great new people from all over the world, to speak English all day, and to gain a new perspective on life. Of course it was nice to know that old friends were around, but I was not scared to do things on my own. B* had a problem with that BIG time, even though that had seemed to be the whole purpose of her behaviour: to get me out of the way. The end of the story (at least of the semester abroad) was more incidents, less time spend together which turned into almost no time spend together in the end, and finally a total split after our return from Copenhagen. I cannot say I am sad about all that. B* turned out to be not the right friend for me. I am not sure if she ever has been my friend at all. Sadly M* was, and is, kind of in the middle of it all, getting along with both me and B*.

But recent events show that also M* has chosen her side. We had our university semester start party yesterday and M* went (with her sister J* I am also friends with, and even with my colleague/boss D*) and I was not even asked to join. I do not want to blame her, but I also hope that she understands that this means I will probably have to break with her as well as I do not want B* in my life anymore at all, nor do I want B* to know anything about me in general. I am confused right now and mad – mad at myself for taking things so personal, mad at M* for not asking me to join, B* for still trying to interfere into my life, mad at the whole world for above mentioned reasons.

I will calm down eventually. This is just really giving my goose bumps right now. I hope it goes away rather soon. I already wrote M* a short email which she will read tomorrow when she comes to work. As I know M* and myself we will probably email or talk and maybe things turn out good again. Or maybe not. I hope writing about this whole situation will help me to deal with it better. I am really wishing for that!

Love, S.

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